Phantom Shower Scream Syndrome and other Mommy Psychoses

Before and during my pregnancy, I always heard woman talk about an unexplainable love for their children. An indescribable, powerful bond, that can only be experienced when you become a mother. I blew this off as something women with children say to "one up" the childless.... I had done a ton of babysitting. My last 18 months of college, I was a nanny to a little boy who spent more evenings and Sundays with me than at his own house. I had a car seat, a tub full of toys, and my pantry was stocked with baby snacks. Hell, I had even taken this sweet boy for his last round of shots, repeatedly gotten his hair cut, bought his school shoes, taken diapers to daycare, and picked him up from his grandmother because "Kim...he doesn't know her that well." I loved that kid. That is a true story. 

Then I had my own child and I realized that everything that I thought I knew or experienced about love was just the tip of the iceberg. The love that a parent feels for their child is fuel to do amazing things. It is truly beautiful. It's an infatuation, an obsession, an addiction. It turns us into completely different people. It is dangerous. It sits on the borderline of sane and crazy. 

Crazy. My kid makes me crazy. Some days I'm sure I'm certifiable. There are multiple things that I do now, that never in a million years could I have predicted, would become normalcy. These should go in some medical journal as actual mental illness...

1. Phantom Shower Scream Syndrome:
This syndrome can be described as an overwhelming feeling of panic while taking a shower. The mother is insistent that she hears the blood curdling scream of her offspring. The mother is known to  shower in seconds to be able to run to the aid of her child. The mother is always surprised to see a sleeping or completely content child upon arrival. In severe cases, the mother will run streaking through the home with shampoo running down her body....(a less severe case can also be described as Phantom Blow-dryer Scream Syndrome)

Y'all this shit is real. I swear to you.. I hear my kid cry every time I am in the shower. Every TIME. She is 4... she can come get me, she is not crying. I tell myself that every day. CRAZY.

2. VIH (Vomit In Hand) Reflex 
This reflex starts to show up moments after the first feeding of the child. The mother has no control over this debilitating reflex. Upon the sounds of gagging or burping, the mother instinctively cups her hand to the child's mouth to prevent the vomit from hitting the floor/couch/clothing. This reflex has proven no acceptable help to the situation. It usually prolongs clean up, as now the mother is also the victim of the unfortunate mess. This reflex has no known cure or timeline.

LADIES... Why in the WORLD do we do this?? We can not help ourselves! We do it to kids other than ours too. Gross. Nothing makes a puking kid situation worse than having to clean tonight's regurgitated dinner out of your wedding ring.

3. Spontaneous Mutation of Auditory Abilities (Super Human Hearing)
This self explaining phenomenon can be lifesaving as well as a nuisance.

This is my most serious issue. I inherited this fabulous trait from my mother. Growing up, all my sister and I had to do was whimper, and my mom was in our room lick-idy split. My sister had one warning cough before she would puke, and my mom could be down a flight of stairs…hear her cough, and have her to the toilet before the second cough hit. Unbelievable. My squirrel has ridiculously vicious asthma. I swear to you.. I can hear her wheeze, in the middle of the night, with the TV on, through two fans. It's super human. On the other hand, this kids sneezes and I am UP. Forget about sleeping in the same room with her, pure torture. My husband is a true gem, he checks every noise, I think I hear, without complaint. Now that I think about it, he could be an enabler.. ha.

Crazy confession #1… I kept her baby monitor running at night until last year. I have no idea why, I guess I was afraid I was going to miss something. I hated that thing. The little blinking green lights proving that their was noise coming from that room were a blinding comfort in the middle of the night. After a year I came home and my husband had put electrical tape over the lights.  It broke in the second year, a perfect time to call it quits. I bought another one. My friends asked me when I was taking it out, I told them never. I was going to hide it in her room in her teen years. One day I came home from work and it was gone. God bless that man. True story