Warning- this isn't going to be pretty

I have the most amazing friends. They are all hilarious, and all very different mothers. I have had the opportunity to have had the most candid, down right dirty, conversations with these ladies about motherhood, and the one thing that keeps coming up are the things.. the shit.. that "they" don't tell you about being a mom. When I say "they", I mean the professionals, the books, your mom.. the experienced. So, I feel it is our duty to new or expecting moms to give you a heads up. This is by no means meant to discourage you from having kids. I wish someone would have told me. I could write a hundred pages on all of the cutesy and beautiful things that my kid has done, but those things are acceptable to talk about in public. The truth is that lots of gross and unexpected things happen, and between the five of us ladies, these experiences were the norm.

Warning- this isn't going to be pretty. Most of the things here were put together from different conversations from the ladies.

Shit they don't tell you about pregnancy.

1. You will puke. Keep some bags and towels in your car. It will happen. If it doesn't happen to you, consider yourself extremely lucky. I once picked up food through the drive through, got a minute down the road before the smell got to me and I puked in the fast food bag.. on top of the food.. while driving. Spoons made me puke, and hot showers, and strawberries, and anything with a gravy or sauce. I know more than one lady who puked while delivering the bambino.

2. Don't EVER say "I don't have any stretch marks", while you are pregnant. Those bastards show up over night. Monday I was smooth and un-stretched, by Thursday I looked like a road map. You'll eat your words. It's genetic.. no amount of cocoa butter is going to moisturize those suckers away.

3. You will piss yourself. No really, you will. Ha.

Shit they don't tell you about delivery.

1. Don't let them break your water before you get your epideral.. don't do it. Fight them. Your husband doesn't need to see you like that.. for real.

2. You have no control over what happens down there. If you and your hubby have not had the "I might shit on the table" conversation, do him a favor and give him a heads up.

3. Don't kid yourself, buy some Granny Panties. Don't even think about bringing the Victoria Secret's to the hospital. They are going to give you a pad so big after the baby comes, you'll be riding it home. Nobody told me this mess… I had to call my mom, our conversation went like this, "MOM,  I need you to buy me some panties… No the big ones... the ones in the package...no just regular.. I don't care what they look like.. just go to Walmart." One of the ladies said "Girl I just stocked up on those gauze panties they give you… those things are incredible."

4. They are going to mash on your stomach.. c-section or no c-section.. and this is where you lose all modesty. Use your imagination for why they push on your uterus right after delivery. The experience is similar to squeezing the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. Once again.. prep your man.

5. I laughed for an hour when my friend told this story…and I quote.
"My YaYa was so swollen I could see it sitting up. I had no idea what it was!!" - this is another reason for the big girl panties.

6. You are more than likely leaving with stitches.. somewhere. Dermaplast is your best friend for weeks. Stock up. My friend said "I sent my husband to Walgreens late one night because I was out of that spray… he came home with 3 cans and said "Just wanted to be sure you had enough.." True love.

Shit they don't tell you about getting home

1. You lose your mind. For real, you have a short-lived, emotional breakdown. I think it's fear, mixed with shock, mixed with exhaustion, mixed with seeing your YaYa so swollen. Once again, prep your hubby and keep your mom close.

2. They poop all day.. especially if they are breastfed. All night too.. get a good bedside lamp. And you might want to take off their socks before you change them.. trust me.

3. I bet you love your new baby crib bedding.. It's probably custom or straight from Pottery Barn catalog. Your kid will cover it in bodily fluids within minutes of putting them on it. Buy a BUNCH of cheap sheets, you are going to need them. One night I changed her crib sheets 4 times. You need backup sheets.

Shit they don't tell you about being Mom

1. Vomit is slippery. Every one of the ladies including myself has a "busted-my-ass-while-slipping-in-vomit-trying-to-get-to-the-toilet" story. My friend "with all the kids" came to work not too long ago with two busted knees and a bruised elbow from an eventful night with her 4-year old. A week later she said "Girl… I was taking a bath and looking at the picture above my tub.. and it didn't look right, I got up and looked at it, and it was covered in vomit."

2. If it comes out one end.. It's probably going to come out of the other. Just put them in the bath-tub.. it's ok to cry a little.

3. Your kid is old enough to tie their shoes and you are still lactating. WTF? Do they ever dry up?

4. Sneeze carefully, you will piss yourself. No really, you will. True Story.


My squirrel is 4 and she makes me laugh everyday. There is not a single second of one of those experiences that I would trade. Plus I've got awesome stories to embarrass her with when she's a teenager.